Random Rant

Your power at work in me, I will be free!

Today I cried well screamed out in tears is more like it. God I don’t understand???? What am I missing? My heart stands in awe of You and I trust You to fulfill your purpose for me, yet inside I ache and hurt in ways I can’t speak. I still do things I wish I didn’t yet my heart pounds more of you Lord show me how to hold nothing back. Have I gone bipolar? Or does my internal desire what my external can’t fathom yet in a world that pounds down and drowns out the heart on fire for Jesus?

Regardless…..here I am God, arms wide open

Who Am I?

They say the truth will set you free, and this I agree with, but how I wish they had warned how much it would hurt. There is a woman who has impacted my life greatly both for Christ and personally but I admit there have been times of her guidance or thoughts that my brain said ummmmm okaaaay, what an imagination you have……yet my love and respect for her grew, because her heart for Jesus is so obvious, and there was inner rest that she is safe and for me.

Time went by and her odd thoughts were not far off at all, in fact there was more truth in them than anything I'd been led to believe by those who should have been honest in my life. God you have some sense of humor when it comes to this untrusting girl, for You have placed this woman and a couple on the other side of the country into my life to help me see truth, find healing in You, then move forward in this amazing purpose You have for me.

Common sense would say uhhh your "family" those you've known a very long time and have been in your life consistently, shouldn't they be whom you trust? Not some people you've known less than a year, or only seen in person on two occasions? Yes that sense of humor Abba has. For these have become family in my eyes, knowing they love me as much as I love them, the choice is easy to journey forward with them in my life.

Yesterday, I learned outside of who I am in Christ, and who I am becoming in these past two years of freedom, I have no clue in the earth realm who I am. All I have been told and led to believe about myself, were lies.

There is no record of my birth and the place legally submitted on the documents I have, is wrong. I was informed in fact it is impossible by a woman who worked for the county and has lived there almost 60 years. The road and the town aren't even in the same county, and at that time there was no hospital within 40 minutes from there, none the less in the town. Stunned and confused don't even capture what I began to feel in that moment, buuuut and I began to stutter, uh what about this town **** how about here, my record show this is where the adoption took place? A few phone calls later she looked up at me, her face showed sadness…."I'm really sorry" she said, "they have no record of you or an adoption, under any of the names and dates you have given me." My face must of shown my thoughts and sudden desire to vomit, as the lady quickly said "don't lose hope lets try one more thing?" whispering ok while praying in my head was all that came to me. "You would of had to have an original birth certificate, with the hospital" she said. The women in the office then began to call the hospitals withing both counties and some surrounding ones, turning up nothing. Believe she was now as emotionally worn as I was, again she apologized and muttered, "that road has been secluded farms forever, odd people, you were possibly born unrecorded by a midwife brought in"…. "there's a diner down the street" she said. "In case you want to eat and collect your thoughts" "you can try contacting the main city, they may know" (she didn't know, that's where all the falsified papers had come from, nor did she need to know)

After eating, I cried and drove home, Lord Jesus help me not overload, give me Your peace, show me what is needed to be seen in all of this………to be continued

My Hero

Think I was always looking for that hero to at first come and save me but later as time went on to save my children too. I'd watch the shows and movies where the good guy always won and saved the day or listen to the songs about a hero coming along giving strength to carry on. Waiting, hoping, praying crying, how much longer?
When would this hero arrive and make thing safe? Would the abuse end? Or was this how it was always to be?
Little did I know that hero was with me all along. He was hoping one day I'd catch on, and holding me steady with patience and love longing to show me His presence and love.
Jesus had been there all along! Holding my hand, wiping my tears, keeping me sane. That alone was more than enough, this now I can see, but HE went far beyond to free me. He opened the doors and paved all the paths to provide a safe haven for my children and me. Jesus put people in our lives to show us His light and His love are safe and secure. This road is quite hard don't misunderstand but with where we have been there is no mistake when I accepted the Lord Jesus my fate became sealed. The King of my heart was finally revealed, Jesus showed me a hero better than I could of imagined, that never goes away, He'd been here all along and was here to stay.

What is Family?

When I lay my head on the pillow each night mind still running a million miles per hour, inevitably thoughts stall in the category of family for me.
Prayers silently drift toward heaven in question and wondering form.
Yah see they left this little girl the day she was born and to this day the concept of family has still not been unraveled or had it and I simply couldn't see?
It is not the perverted insanity I was later introduced to as a child, nor the abusive marriage forced upon me, some say it is the church yet in large they had been key harmers, why in the Lord's eyes would that count as family? It couldn't be blood for I know not any relatives of that nature, so whom?
I suppose it's those who come into your life and stay. Through ups and downs you for them and they for you. They love beyond bounds as you do them and in the center is the strongest familial bond being the Lord Jesus Christ drawing your hearts to Him and each other.
That's what I am choosing to see as family!
What say you?

Let Him Shine

You are not staying a victim, because you share your story. You are a thriving, survivor, setting the world on fire with the truth of what Christ has done in your life. You are a life giving hope for others still trapped inside themselves. You never know who needs to see Jesus light through your transparency and courage to share what He alone has brought you out of and how Jesus is greater than anything man can do to you.

Just Hold On

One of my drawings with a small piece of my story

By my teen years I had been through so much abuse and trauma that when I got to the "group homes" I would spend days barely able to get out of bed….when I did I often found the abuse in these homes even worse……by 17 I was close to quitting and had already half heartedly tried to end my life several times. The grace of God and His sweet loving mercy kept me here and put things and people in path causing me to hang on even if that meant days in bed…..God has a purpose and plan for my life, He did not let go of me and supplied strength to continue to fight.

Speak the Truth Always

After seeing how many were bothered by this photo yesterday when I posted it to FB I took it down and decided to pray about it. I do attend a church and am part of an amazing Sunday School class with a group of women I love with all my heart. However this picture is significant to me on many levels. With the bombardment of how could i say this or what do i mean i decided to just explain in short.
If I hadn’t left the church I never would of found the real Lord Jesus Christ. And while I cant stand the divisions within the body of Christ that I see even here on FB my inner reason for this post is that I grew up horribly abused within the church. I was taught it was God’s will for my life to suffer and that, I should simply be thankful to have a roof and food and keep my mouth shut about what was being done to me. Most of you couldn’t handle knowing exactly what was done and for how long, all in “Jesus” name. Just because a place is labeled “Nondenominational” Presbyterian, Methodist ect does not make it a true house of God.  
So even if you hate this post and find it offensive, I still like it because it reminds me even after all my head was filled with, and all that was done to me, Jesus was still able to draw me out and pull me to Himself.