When I Die

People describe in many different ways what they think it will be like when they die. Some even wrote songs about dancing on streets of gold beside crystal seas and others speak of only being able to imagine what they will think, do and feel…….the more I’ve wondered, read, prayed and dreamt the more I remember “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord” for me that’s immediately jaw dropping it brings a sense of awe knowing I’ll be in His presence, experiencing His love in a way I hadn’t comprehend before, staring in wonder, beholding Who I’ve had faith in for so long, and never actually seen in this way. He who has sheltered and protected me, kept His promises concerning me, provided and strengthened me is the same one I believe I will melt before in wonder of His love.

Raw and Real

I often feel like I’m a nuisance to the world and it would be better off without me. It’s not that I don’t love the people in it, my children, friends and such it’s simply an inability to grasp my purpose or meaning in life. Yes I know it’s to glorify God and be a light that shows the love of Jesus through me. I’m not negating that one bit….I won’t say life has been hard or easy, I recall more sad than happy, I feel that I’m inadequate when it comes to socialization and well most things. I’ve hadn’t known stability, or closeness to people until recently and it frightens and delights me all at once. Guessing all of this is okay, and giggle even now betting God uses me currently and I don’t even know it or something along those lines….at least I hope it’s so.

Verses for a tough time

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts;”

Psalms 139:23

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.”

Psalms 94:19

“This is my comfort in my affliction, That Your word has revived me.”

Psalms 119:50

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

It’s Okay

I am who I am, where I am, how I am and that is okay.

God knows every detail about me, and loves , me as I am and for who He know I will one day be fulfilling His plan.

Papa doesn’t see all my failures, miss steps, or flaws, He sees His son in me and calls me beloved.

I’m learning many will travel in and out of my world, not all are meant to stay, and its okay when just Papa remains.

Some cant allow me as friend and that’s okay, for them I can still remain on what ever their terms need because Papa loves them thru me anyway

I know what its like to sit outside a circle of many and within with a select few, I trust Papa its suppose to be this way.

Lord Jesus you love me, hold me I pray, today outside of you I feel quite alone yet im thankful I now know….you love me, you accept me, you call me your own. it matters not who rejects me or allows me only so close, because im your child just as much as they, my siblings in Christ I choose to keep loving this way, no matter how long outside of their circles I must stay.

My Testimony Updated

Updated Testimony

I’d have to be insane to NOT love, trust and put all of my hope in Jesus, my Savior, Deliverer, Redeemer and dearest Friend.

Words alone could never express my love and gratitude for the grace and mercy shown, in my life, by God my loving Father, who never let go. He already had known I was His.

As I sat praying and wondering how to share with you today, this story of God’s grace, a song began to play and has continued to sweetly run through my heart and mind, because it’s words ring true, in my life, from the very first day.

Here is the chorus of that song:

Mercy Said No

Mercy said no

I’m not gonna let Melissa go

I’m not going to let her slip away

Melissa doesn’t have to be afraid

Mercy said no

Sin will never take control

Life and death stood face to face and

Darkness tried to steal my heart away

But thank you Jesus, that mercy said NO.

Keeping those words in mind:

Climb on the express train of Melissa’s life so far, with me.

Let’s journey back in time and see where in my life His great mercy took hold, and how it continues even today.

As God began to knit me together in an unsure, abused, teenage girl’s womb, my life was not plucked away, Mercy said NO and I’m here today.

A few months later, nameless in a crowded foster home, I fell asleep sicker than anyone knew. Lying there in a coma, Mercy said NO, I have a plan for her, and I am here today.

Through the years that followed, it is because of God alone, His great love, mercy and grace, that I am even alive and sharing with all of you right now.

From abandonment, to only Papa knows how i ended up with the family, receiving a name from my abuser, hearing about God in a church, placing both that first seed and spark in my heart and an unholy fear of God and “Christians”

Followed by abuse of every sick kind, rejection, attempts to silence me, fear, confusion, suicide attempts, group homes, strange testing facilities, running away, homelessness, doing what ever it took for my next meal, rape and alcoholism to numb, then finally turning 18, being sold to an abusive and much older man, not caring thinking it would be freedom, then several times almost dying at his hand.

I believe through all of this, though I didn’t know Him, God definitely knew me. He was my shield and fortress and continued to stir in my heart a desire and need for HIM.

I’d like to say it ended there, but many more years followed with abuse, tremendous loss and so much more, all because I wanted God on my own terms. I just wanted him to hand out justice to those who had hurt me, and in this thinking I had missed something huge.

What about my own sin? the punishment I deserved? Hmmmm I was guilty of doing some pretty awful things too.

It was 2014 that place of true brokenness arrived. My need for Jesus became suddenly and overwhelmingly clear, that only through His grace, believing Jesus died in my place, removing my debt, only in this would I find life.

I needed His mercy and forgiveness and realized through Him alone would I begin to heal, forgive others, learn about love, and in Him find hope and my reason for living.

Is my life perfect today? Uhh nope, but doesn’t change His love for me.

Have I been abused since then? Yep quite recently actually because of this new found love for Jesus�, but He’s even working that out for His glory and my good……(update) I have had real freedom from these people for a full year now and Papa is healing in amazing ways

Here is why my heart joyfully chooses to trust Him each day, no matter what occurs….

He who began a good work in Melissa will be faithful to complete it.

He is the reason, I get out of bed each day with hope, the reason I have breath to share my story, because of His love for me, I can love others no matter what they do to me. He is how I find peace when things seem impossible, I no longer need to feel ashamed, I am redeemed and I am loved!

Because there in NO condemnation for Melissa who is in Christ Jesus, I can now boldly approach the throne of grace with confidence and receive grace and mercy to help in times of need.

Poem Number Unknown

They took a girl, heart so beautiful and smashed her. Someone so young put her to shame.

Threw her before the church, it blamed her, time ticked on, singing a hollow song.

Her heart desired life when her mind screamed for death but

She never quit, kept getting back up, one more day, one more hour, one more breath.

To whom could she run? were there any to trust?

She found herself drowning, swim up for air she must…but how?