A miracle, a Blessing, my son

Names omitted for our protection

My youngest has a very special place in my heart(in his brother’s too)I won’t lie about that.
I had been at the end of my rope in a lot of ways…I was seeking God asking if He was real and also longing for another child, which I knew was out of the question in our home. I prayed and asked God for this child and the Lord granted my request hence the verse I gave him at birth……
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1:27-28‬ ‭
I’m skipping to far ahead 😉
So I’m pregnant and it’s ultra sound time, I was surprised my husband came as the pregnancy in general was not amusing to him in the least and he made his wishes known almost daily….but he did come. The technician did her thing then left the room, ummm that’s odd we thought…then the doctor came in and looked too. I’ll never forget the briskness used, it’s a boy, he has T18 he will likely die before birth or shortly after. The nurse will show you to our counsel room to discuss our recommendation for it. 😱😰😢😭
My thoughts swam everywhere and my emotions felt as if they had just jumped on the craziest roller coaster you could imagine. They sat us down and gave us a bunch of papers and referral to whaaaaat??? I heard right they were recommending termination as soon as possible. I couldn’t think straight then knowing that was what my husband had wanted from the beginning anger took over….no I’m not proud of it, but I yelled, screamed and planted myself in my seat refusing to move until they agreed to do every test possible that day to make sure they were right and telling them even then, he would be born when it was time….they did all the tests and told us the results would be in shortly after Thanksgiving.
I left hysterical and in pain but resolved, think my husband was a bit frightened by said resolve, so he offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go. Target was where I demanded and I picked out a little Mickey Mouse with blue blanket attached, and demanded he purchase them (at this time I still had no access to family money and if I needed or wanted something I had to ask my husband permission and he either got it or didn’t)
At first he protested, then demanded, didn’t you hear anything they said today? And yes right in the store I yelled back, he’s still my son and whether I give it to him to play with or bury it with him that’s my choice….it was purchased and he was silent the rest of the day……….

I had read somewhere that without faith it is impossible to please God, so I dug my heels in and decided to trust God as best I knew how…which mostly came in the form of talking to HIM non stop and calling every pastor in the area that would accept my call and ask…..”what happens to babies when they die????” Is it as if they never were? Can God bring them to heaven? ect…..some might say how is that having faith? But it is….it was simply my way of saying well Lord if I have him and he’s healthy thank you and if I have him and he dies I want to find out if You’ll take care of him for me until I get there……
Three months and ten days before his arrival the results came back that maybe he didn’t have this T18 and I rejoiced as did my friends a dear one even threw me an amazing baby shower….my heart relaxed as did my husband’s for a few.
Fast forward……end of Jan beginning Feb. another obstacle was presented pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was through the roof and they wanted to see me every few days for stress tests on the baby because it effects him too…..okay God I thought no problem, I’ll go daily if I have to, please just protect him…that’s what most my prayers sounded like.
March 5th I woke up feeling rather unwell, but managed to get my older son fed and off to the bus for school…..with in an hour I was concerned as I realized I was bleeding quite a bit and called the doctor thinking maybe my water had broken and I didn’t know it…..the doctor instructed me to get to the hospital immediately and have him paged……okay, immediately called my husband and relayed the message, he let me know he’d be there in about an hour cause he had to finish something up at work, and to wait don’t call anyone else, it’s probably nothing, you’ll be fine…..by time he arrived I quit trying to protect my clothes from the blood it wasn’t possible…..he insisted I’d be fine and why hadn’t I emptied the dishwasher yet? Get that done I have something to do in the basement and then we’ll go, he said…..so I did….you get the picture I don’t need to say more, fast forward……finally at the hospital nurse comes in, ushers me into a delivery room, hands my a gown and runs out the room….next thing I know the doctor is being paged to get there immediately for emergency situation….huh wonder who that’s for I thought, still hearing my husband saying don’t be so dramatic your fine…….the doctor come in, checks….then informs me not only am I pre-eclampsia but I’m hemorrhaging and could lose the baby and die myself do I have a priest or minister I’d like them to call??? Huh? What? Nooo! And where are we going???? We have to get this baby out now he said, we are headed for emergency c-section….who can we call for you??? My silly yet honest response…..”ummm no one, We will be fine, God has us”………

I remember them saying we’re starting now……and a man above me with piercing blue eyes saying over and over stay with me Voice, he’s almost here! Then the feeling of a beautiful but very slimy baby crying and squirming at my breasts while the man was saying see him? stay with us….please come back….then nothing……

My son was born and with in a few hours I was back with it and warming up to normal human temperatures….God is faithful y’all even if yah feel you don’t know who is standing with you….HE hears the prayers and hearts of his children….he is the last one I birthed and after threats to cut us all to pieces I decided to trust God and leave right before he turned 2.


Religion vs Relationship

My 2 cents…….

Religion is a one size fits all set of rules, with hoops to jump through and enhance your place with God so to speak…..a relationship is completely different…relationships don’t have one size fits all, they’re all uniquely different….like in my home we have a set thing of these are musts for all of us, but we relate to each other in very different ways. My older son through his intellect and love for computers and electronics my younger his joy for outside and cartoon time….I love them equally and I’d never say Dom I can’t really love yah unless you become an outdoors kid or JD yah have to be more of a computer kid….in the same way our relationship with Jesus and Papa have some core staples…one the only way to Papa is through Jesus Christ but each of our relationships with Papa can look very different because He loves us for the beautiful us He made, quirks and all.

Poem of expression

I’d say more often then not, don’t listen to me

They did something to my brain you see

Making sure my story doesn’t get out

Is what they’ve been all about

But this is no fairytale

The details assuredly would make you quite pale

Now if only my mind could be still for a few

I’d tell you exactly what it is I would do

Tell you my story, from beginning to end

Ensure that you know not a minutes pretend

These people are out there they surely exist

Women like me they silence if we persist

By taking our homes, our children our lives

But make no mistake when we speak we aren’t telling lies

We simply want others to not feel alone

To hear we believe them and in our hearts we found home

His name is Jesus, He knows our stories are true

He says just believe Him and here’s what He’ll do

Not make all the bad people simply go away

But hold on to us tight until a very special day

When all evil is gone, our tears wiped away

Then a special place He has prepared for us to stay

All you need to do is believe and say Jesus okay

On My Heart Today

You’re my amazing good and perfect Papa. There is no one like You and never will be!

You breathe into me and I sing out praise in return, for there is none like You!

You alone oh Lord send a fresh current of love and grace restarting my heart again to spill forth love for others even after my own heart has shattered a million times, there is truly none like you Papa God!

Even when in my flesh I want to defy, praises to You spring forth knowing to whom I belong and whose love ultimately matters. That what I want or desire no longer matters in light of Your great plans for my life. Your purposes for me, alone are all I want walk in as long as breath inside me remains.

Talk with Jesus

I was that little girl who lived in fear wondering if God was real, was he here?

Often laying awake in the dead of night full of hurt and sadness and fright, crying out to the father above show me who you are show me your love.

I want you to see me I long for that day, I could hear him say.

Right now you’ve allowed the pain and abuse to darken your view, let me help you see me, allow me to wash all that dirt away.

You will shine for my glory my daughter, you are, so precious to me, I know who you truly are. I made you I formed you, and loved you from the start.

Now I ask you dear daughter to give me all of your heart.

Another of my Poems

Silence filled the room

As her thoughts began to consume

Each word murmured by her brain

Were tear filled prayers like falling rain

Flowing forth from a broken heart

How will this all end, how did it start?

They planned her whole life out, in depth

yep even before she drew her first breath

Does she get any say, to what happens next?

Somehow I doubt it, that would be out of script

Yet a wrench she’s thrown, into this big ole mess

She’s causing quite a few, a great deal of stress

You see she asked Jesus into her heart

Invited Him in, gave Jesus the lead part

Now she no longer jumps at their command

because she’s hidden in Christ and can now firmly stand

She believes there is nothing to broken or hurt

that Jesus can’t fix, He’ll even clean up the dirt

So in Christ alone, she’s placed all her trust

now to get to her, go through Jesus they must


Bring it to Light

Over the years I have heard these verses and many others used in a manner I believe is out of context…..

“See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:15‬ ‭

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:21

Overcoming evil with good doesn’t mean to keep dark things like abuse within the church walls in the dark, in this case the “good thing” would be bringing it into the light…..exposing the dark deeds, protecting and guiding the abused toward healing, ensuring their safety. Also addressing the abuser with the hope of repentance which means a change of heart and turning away from abusing.

These verses don’t mean that justice is wrong, or protecting the weak within your flock is bad, or that confronting and holding accountable the abuser is somehow repaying them with evil, on the contrary it is an act of love desiring heart change for them.