Thoughts continued

She woke from dreams that seemed to real. The mirror confirmed with finger prints left as a warning around her neck. Which thing exactly had she spoken out to much about she wasn’t sure but it was enough to evoke silence in general with several warnings recalled of careers hurt and lives put in ruin for what? A girl no one cared about that powerful people took in, how un grateful she must be….be quiet silly child.

Pondering Continued

Handcrafted by a loving God that makes no mistakes yes that’s me!

Yet His process was interrupted by this evil world by hands that chose to disrupt the process and recondition a baby from within the womb. Yes I realize my claims are irrational if not insane, yet from the womb they began into birth and sold as a toddler pre readied for sexual abuse compliance. This is how my story began, so when people say this Jesus I believe in is a crutch, I say think what you must. For me Jesus has been the difference between life and death, lapse in sanity and remaining intact. So salvation in Christ alone I will continue to proclaim.

Pondering

For a few years now I’ve tried to find a way to share my story with the hopes of reaching others and giving them hope or simply letting them know they aren’t alone. Each time brought me to various frustrating halts from fear to inability to recount without horrifying the reader, or crushing pain from the memories. Lord how do I use these things You have brought me through to reach others without harming myself more, or scaring the pants off people?

Then it occurred to me the truth at times is painful, and it’s ultimately what sets us free, people have the choice to read or not and if my writing is begun with prayer asking God to guide my words then concern can be set aside for how its received by those whom it’s not intended for anyway. I can trust that God will guide those who need to hear my story to what He has me share with each post, and that God will strengthen and enable me to write without it crushing me.

 

Childish Rant

Sometimes in life we just get it wrong I think and the best thing to do isn’t always evident or desirable. I find myself here today the crossroads of now what? Of course the first place I turn is to Jesus and seek His heart for me and the what nexts I just wish sometimes His Voice was audible yah know? People think I have others to go to, family or friends perhaps it would of been wiser for me to say no this isn’t so instead of yeah sure I do and I’ll go to them. Lord please show me what to do my mind cries, outside of YOU I’m alone and yes in part I’ve done this to myself. How so? One might ask, it’s ironic really, those who would really step up, befriend, hang out or lend a shoulder are the very ones who have harmed me so greatly and I’ve been advised to steer clear of if I desire healing to occur. So here we sit alone…..rant done.

Another of my Dreams

I love the dreams that pull me into another time and place at night as my eyes flutter shut.

Last nights were a mix of frightening but ended beautifully so decided to write so I don’t forget it, why not here? Blog seems to be the perfect place.

Waking into a dream is amusing last night I awoke as a small baby it seemed but didn’t stay that way long. There were many of us girls in the stone building and many toys and very watchful eyes over all we touched, said and did. Then as we grew adults would come and section us off into different places within the big stone building based upon every dynamic from how we looked to personality, health the check list was very long.

The older I got the more demanding and strict the place became, while still a child bearing children was required, poor health was not taken lightly in fact many of those went with a man up the stone stairs, through a heavy locked door, then all that was heard was a loud popping sound and she was gone.

Punishment was heavy handed for crimes as simple as eating one more piece of food than allotted or taking a bathroom break out of scheduled turn. You were physically not stopped from doing these things but they always saw and the punishment came fast.

At this point in my dream I began to wonder what on earth am I suppose to be learning from all of this? There must be something.?

Focusing in on my surroundings I realized there was only myself and another left. What would happen now my mind wondered?

Then the big door opened again and two people came through….a heavy set angry and frightening looking woman and a tall well dressed man his face hidden from my view. The other girl and I looked at each other fear evident between us. The scary woman called for the other girl to step forward and went over her with a fine toothed comb…nothing was missed from the day of her birth til today about her. This one is mine she boomed in a loud voice, I’ll check the other later (meaning me). Within minutes I could hear the poor girls screams and the woman telling her to take it in silence and my eyes filled with tears.

“Come here child, let me have a look” had the man spoken? I was afraid to move, but then again, louder he said “come here child, let me have a look” and slowly I walked to where he sat.

Removing his hat he smiled and told me to sit. He looked nothing like the woman and wasn’t frightening at all, in fact an ease filled the room. “Tell me about yourself” he said. I was dumbfounded, no one had given me the right to even think such thoughts let alone speak them. “Well I’m not much to look at” I stuttered. “and there are some health things all wrong with me”

“I see” he responded….then suddenly all the things physically wrong with me disappeared, but why? The man smiled, because I see inside and you are one of Mine. You have the Jesus umbilical cord He declared you are linked in to forever life, would you like to come see?

Leaving the room my hand in His the stone building was gone, room after room was filled with people, rejoicing, eating, even dancing. He saw how that room made my eyes light up and next thing I knew we were dancing, then my eyes fluttered open, it was time to wake up.

#MeToo

I was conceived through sexual assault, grew up enduring it, from within the home and church walls and more, later married off into it, for now I have just one thing to say….the only place I have found any healing, rest and hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Clean

CLEAN

(Natalie Grant)

“I see shattered
You see whole
I see broken
But You see beautiful
And You’re helping me to believe
You’re restoring me piece by piece

There’s nothing too dirty
That You can’t make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean
There’s nothing too dirty
That You can’t make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

What was dead now lives again
My heart’s beating, beating inside my chest
Oh I’m coming alive with joy and destiny
‘Cause You’re restoring me piece by piece

There’s nothing too dirty
That You can’t make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean
There’s nothing too dirty
That You can’t make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I am clean
I’m clean
Oh You made me, You wash me, Clean”

Powerful and profound come to mind when the lyrics of this song run through my head. My heart often responds differently to it each time.

Can it be? Papa is this so? While other times thinking yes, but not from this?

Inside cries saying Lord I know you have forgiven and made me clean of all my sins, the smallest to the worst, past, present and future ones, and I’m so thankful.

“Come now, and let us reason together,”

says the Lord,

“Though your sins are as scarlet,

They will be white as snow;

Thought they are red like crimson

They will be like wool

(Isaiah 1:18)

I rejoice over this, it even brings me to a place of forgiveness toward those who have harmed me in unspeakable ways, because I know these scriptures, apply to them too. God can and will clean their hearts making them whole when they come to Him in repentance which means desiring change or turning away from these evil things.

Left is what has been done to my body, mind and soul that makes me feel so filthy, not an easy one to mentally reconcile let me tell yah. Some say repent, hmmm well if that means to turn from…doesn’t quite apply, others have suggested confessing to God for participating in…… please don’t say that to a survivor, it implies there was a choice to be had, or a willingness to be defiled, trust me there was neither.

Often, in the Christian world, perhaps unintentionally the abused are further broken, because they already know their biblical need to forgive, yet are bludgeoned with it when they come forward seeking help, while hearing how their abuser, doesn’t know Jesus and needs to be shown grace.

I remember clearly the tornado of feelings and thoughts I had when dealt with in this manner after coming forward for help. My mind went from, guilt and condemnation heaped onto myself for being so wrong in coming forward, to… God likes the ones who aren’t His kids and hurt people more than the ones that love Him. Neither of these or any I had in between were correct, or likely intended by the people “helping”. I had come to them as my Christian family the one the Bible told me we would find refuge with, in a time where my literal family was doing the harm. In doing so rejection came from both sides, leaving me feeling quite betrayed and alone.

What is a better approach, a godly approach, how can we help another see wholeness and know they are clean too? That what has happened to them isn’t who they are, and that they are worthy too of love and being accepted in God’s family. I honestly don’t have all the answers to this, yet I know some things that have helped me personally right in God’s word. When I focus on these truths and who I am in Christ I can rest assured I am clean.

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.”
(Psalms‬ ‭27:10, 13-14‬)

“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.”
(Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬)

“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
(Psalms‬ ‭23:1-6‬)

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”
(2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-5‬)

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬)

Beloved child of God there are many promises and truths of how God sees you, loves you and is with you always, in His word…..if you feel lost or hurting today, or are worn down from human response, please go straight to Papa ask Him to guide you into the truth, and send someone along side you for the journey.

If yah need prayer or have questions feel free to email me “Voice” at
avoiceforthesilenced5@gmail.com