Yep I’m His Even on Bad Days

It’s in that final crushing blow to the spirit that you wonder can I get up again? Am I really meant to be free? Would God, Himself say I’m done with her, you should be too? I don’t know, to be honest right now. I’m use to rejection, one more shouldn’t hurt much, oh but it does. We are meant for friendship, fellowship and loving each other, I know this though I do it quite imperfectly. I’m a challenging human being to say the least, I have something called Dissociative Identity Disorder that stemmed from life long abuse, this doesn’t excuse me or my behavior, only help my erraticies make a little more sense.

Can such a person, be chosen by Papa God? I hope and choose to believe so….in Romans 10:13 we read “All who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved” and in in Romans 10:9 that if we ‘confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved’.

Yes, I believe I belong to Jesus, He’s still mending my broken vessel is all, and helping me trade all the lies poured into me about me and Him and trading them slowly out for the truth

Today’s 2 Cents

People ask where my story ends? I tell em it began with Jesus!

When they ask whom I owe my whole life to, I point to YOU!

Yeah okay Mel get it, good song but…..nah not to me…these words speak my heart. Without Jesus and people HE brought into my life out of love for me, I wouldn’t be here.

Please how ever you look at me don’t think I’m strong, resilient or otherwise. I’m not….in fact when you see the fumble yah see Melissa!

I’ve been abused, sold, programed, sent to the military for great training, and the psych ward to help me think I’m nuts….but no matter what was done, one thing remained….some how the King of heaven not only wanted me, but chose me!

What Matters Most

While mentally going over all the lies I’ve been fed for so long by so many couldn’t help but pray, Lord please show me what truly matters. I don’t know what’s true, who I am, even where I’ve come from or why this was all done to me. I believe that God has had His hand on me from day one, not stopping what they’ve done but keeping me intact and aware of His presence and my need for Jesus. Still the question danced through my head, what matters most? Where do I draw from? what do I hope for? What or who do I trust going forward? Then it barreled forward in my heart…..

“I created you!” ” You are handcrafted, a masterpiece, no one else is like you” “you have specific and special purpose that they can’t taint or take away” “your earthly (caretakers) harmed you but I am your Papa and I have not for one second stopped loving or taking care of you” “trust me, believe my plan is perfect and worth moving forward in, and that I will continue to give you my strength to finish the race set before you.” “Your faltering and miss steps haven’t taken me by surprise or caused me to love you and less, let’s put them behind and get back on track.” “Dear daughter cling to my Son, Jesus trust Him and go to Him only to see the truth of who I’ve made you to be, because the day you called Him savior, was the day I made you alive in Him and dead to all of this world anyway.”

Does Ending Silence Mean Naming Names?

This question has bothered me for some time as part of my programming deeply and powerfully ingrained was to not ruin “important peoples” lives. What makes a person important then? and why wasn’t I?not things a little girl would find easy to understand.

Those involved in my abuse and covering it up were teachers, someone who created medicine, police, pastors, parents, case workers, psychologist I could go on…sounds far fetched I know but what did they all have in common? Well a few things, my family, my church, me and some very dark secrets that likely began with how I got to this family to begin with. These were the important people whose lives I’d be ruining if I ever spoke up so for 38 years much was done to ensure my silence.

These are the things I think about and the cost of trying to walk away before coupled with the fear of walking completely away this time and severing ties with them all completely. So does ending silence mean naming names? I still don’t know, guess that will be up to God as time goes forward but now that I’m in Christ I’m not afraid to tell my story and say what was done to me was ungodly and very wrong.

Thank you Wade Mullen

Someone I follow and respect on Twitter posted this today and my heart indeed responded Amen let this be so Lord! I know for me it’s silly to hope for justice for what’s been done to me here but prayers like this help me keep a tiny speck of hope.


(Wade Mullen)

is that we will create a safer world for kids, women, and all those impacted by abuse, that victims will be heard, believed, and honored; that they will find freedom from captivity, healing from wounds, recovery from trauma, and help and support from therapists.

That abusers and those who cover their wrongs will be investigated and charged by law enforcement and convicted and prosecuted by courts, and that such consequences will abate future abuse crimes and lead to significant lasting change in the thoughts and actions of the criminal; That institutions will not use exemptions, loopholes, and technicalities to prevent discovery, that their safety policies and procedures will exceed societal expectations, that they will choose to listen to and protect victims even if it costs them their reputation and existence.

That all people will report abuse they observe, suspect, or suffer, advocate for victims and their families through voice and action, oppose abusive systems and their leaders through dissent, expose coverups by contacting enforcement agencies, and urge lawmakers to bolster laws; So that victims will heal, the criminal and negligent will be brought to justice, institutions and their leaders will be protectors of those they serve and not of themselves, deceptive coverups will be deterred, truth will be allowed to surface, and that all people will be safer.

Silence isn’t Necessary

‪I speak up not to shame my abusers for toward them I offer the same gift of grace and forgiveness(not trust) that God extends to me. I speak to tell another they aren’t alone.‬ I find remaining silent keeps in the dark what should be brought into the light so I can heal and hopefully others will be encouraged to seek help and healing too. The shame isn’t in speaking and isn’t yours to bear. What was done to you was wrong and not what God intended to happen to His kid. Yes you are God’s kid, He handcrafted you, delights in you and loves you. Bottling up abuse does two things it allows the one who needs help or accountability or both to remain undetected and able to abuse again….and it keeps you the victim instead of the overcoming victor you’re intended to be. So speak up, let your story be heard and healing begin.

Thoughts continued

She woke from dreams that seemed to real. The mirror confirmed with finger prints left as a warning around her neck. Which thing exactly had she spoken out to much about she wasn’t sure but it was enough to evoke silence in general with several warnings recalled of careers hurt and lives put in ruin for what? A girl no one cared about that powerful people took in, how un grateful she must be….be quiet silly child.