Friday Reflections

Have you ever been doing something completely mindless and then a light goes off in your brain and something finally makes complete sense?

Today I had one of the “ah ha” moments. It was while playing one of these odd games my children are so fascinated with and insisted I’d enjoy too. While planting plants to battle the zombies a Scripture bounced into my head….huh? Lord what does that have to do with learning this game? lol nothing of course but my mind was finally at rest enough to hear it.

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Hmmm ok, Lord I remember when yah sent Samuel and all of David’s brothers seemed like prime candidates to be the next King, yet You saw David’s heart and chose him, what am I not seeing?

Then a phrase jumped into my head “they weren’t trying to kill your body but crush/kill your Spirit the very one I gave you”

For me this this brings on laughter because it’s the one thing they haven’t been able to demolish not from anything I’ve done to preserve it but sheerly by the grace of God. I stumble lots, fall flat on my face often in fact and like David I’m small, not intimidating and filled with flaws but the God living within me that I cling to with all my hope, HE fights for me when I’m laid out flat, face first in the dirt, why? Because He knows my heart, that I know my strength is inadequate and His is not only greatly needed but welcomed. That is what they have been trying to stomp out all this time because to them it makes no sense for me to keep getting back up and not only refusing to quit but insisting on thriving. It’s simple really but something unsurrendered eyes are blind to. The Word of God says “Greater is HE who is in me than he who is in the world” from my outward appearance I should of quit by now but if they could see Who is inside, if they’d allow their hearts to soften for just a moment, oh the joy and freedom they would find, because HE who lives in me, loves them too and I just know that love once they saw it would melt their anger hatred away.

Until that day, when their eyes are opened, two thing I know need doing, one I must pray for their hearts to open and remember it’s not me they really hate.

My Thoughts Today

Sitting here doing school work and started thinking, yes I know that’s dangerous 😜

A photo quote id posted this morning said “do not mock a pain you haven’t endured” the words kept dancing in my head, now I’m quite use to people mocking, judging, or telling me what should be done with what I’ve endured but today I stopped and really thought bout it. Questions came, Lord? If these horrible things hadn’t happened to me would I cling to you as tightly as I do? Would I love the hurting as much as I do? Would I have this ability from You to understand the outcast the one the church ignores, but You treasure? Would I comprehend as I do that You haven’t caused all these pains but allowed them because You loved me enough to let me choose You amidst them? When no one here gave me choice in anything I got to choose You. Would I have seen Your hand move in my life, at my defense, in great provision, if these atrocities hadn’t occurred? Maybe not. Oh how thankful I am, for You oh Lord have been so good.

Just Sharing a Psalm

I have loved this Psalm for some time and yes post it often, on my various social media sites…I love how his fearless resolve to trust the Lord and stand on His promises no matter what is reflected here and how my own heart sings in agreement when I read it aloud as a prayerful declaration, refusing to give the enemy a foothold and choosing to sing God’s praise in the midst of difficult times.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident. One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD. Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.” Do not hide Your face from me, Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up. Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a level path Because of my foes. Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries, For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27

Random Rant

Your power at work in me, I will be free!

Today I cried well screamed out in tears is more like it. God I don’t understand???? What am I missing? My heart stands in awe of You and I trust You to fulfill your purpose for me, yet inside I ache and hurt in ways I can’t speak. I still do things I wish I didn’t yet my heart pounds more of you Lord show me how to hold nothing back. Have I gone bipolar? Or does my internal desire what my external can’t fathom yet in a world that pounds down and drowns out the heart on fire for Jesus?

Regardless… I am God, arms wide open

Who Am I?

They say the truth will set you free, and this I agree with, but how I wish they had warned how much it would hurt. There is a woman who has impacted my life greatly both for Christ and personally but I admit there have been times of her guidance or thoughts that my brain said ummmmm okaaaay, what an imagination you have……yet my love and respect for her grew, because her heart for Jesus is so obvious, and there was inner rest that she is safe and for me.

Time went by and her odd thoughts were not far off at all, in fact there was more truth in them than anything I’d been led to believe by those who should have been honest in my life. God you have some sense of humor when it comes to this untrusting girl, for You have placed this woman and a couple on the other side of the country into my life to help me see truth, find healing in You, then move forward in this amazing purpose You have for me.

Common sense would say uhhh your “family” those you’ve known a very long time and have been in your life consistently, shouldn’t they be whom you trust? Not some people you’ve known less than a year, or only seen in person on two occasions? Yes that sense of humor Abba has. For these have become family in my eyes, knowing they love me as much as I love them, the choice is easy to journey forward with them in my life.

Yesterday, I learned outside of who I am in Christ, and who I am becoming in these past two years of freedom, I have no clue in the earth realm who I am. All I have been told and led to believe about myself, were lies.

There is no record of my birth and the place legally submitted on the documents I have, is wrong. I was informed in fact it is impossible by a woman who worked for the county and has lived there almost 60 years. The road and the town aren’t even in the same county, and at that time there was no hospital within 40 minutes from there, none the less in the town. Stunned and confused don’t even capture what I began to feel in that moment, buuuut and I began to stutter, uh what about this town **** how about here, my record show this is where the adoption took place? A few phone calls later she looked up at me, her face showed sadness….”I’m really sorry” she said, “they have no record of you or an adoption, under any of the names and dates you have given me.” My face must of shown my thoughts and sudden desire to vomit, as the lady quickly said “don’t lose hope lets try one more thing?” whispering ok while praying in my head was all that came to me. “You would of had to have an original birth certificate, with the hospital” she said. The women in the office then began to call the hospitals within both counties and some surrounding ones, turning up nothing. Believe she was now as emotionally worn as I was, again she apologized and muttered, “that road has been secluded farms forever, odd people, you were possibly born unrecorded by a midwife brought in”…. “there’s a diner down the street” she said. “In case you want to eat and collect your thoughts” “you can try contacting the main city, they may know” (she didn’t know, that’s where all the falsified papers had come from, nor did she need to know)

After eating, I cried and drove home, Lord Jesus help me not overload, give me Your peace, show me what is needed to be seen in all of this………to be continued

My Hero

Think I was always looking for that hero to at first come and save me but later as time went on to save my children too. I'd watch the shows and movies where the good guy always won and saved the day or listen to the songs about a hero coming along giving strength to carry on. Waiting, hoping, praying crying, how much longer?
When would this hero arrive and make thing safe? Would the abuse end? Or was this how it was always to be?
Little did I know that hero was with me all along. He was hoping one day I'd catch on, and holding me steady with patience and love longing to show me His presence and love.
Jesus had been there all along! Holding my hand, wiping my tears, keeping me sane. That alone was more than enough, this now I can see, but HE went far beyond to free me. He opened the doors and paved all the paths to provide a safe haven for my children and me. Jesus put people in our lives to show us His light and His love are safe and secure. This road is quite hard don't misunderstand but with where we have been there is no mistake when I accepted the Lord Jesus my fate became sealed. The King of my heart was finally revealed, Jesus showed me a hero better than I could of imagined, that never goes away, He'd been here all along and was here to stay.

What is Family?

When I lay my head on the pillow each night mind still running a million miles per hour, inevitably thoughts stall in the category of family for me.
Prayers silently drift toward heaven in question and wondering form.
Yah see they left this little girl the day she was born and to this day the concept of family has still not been unraveled or had it and I simply couldn't see?
It is not the perverted insanity I was later introduced to as a child, nor the abusive marriage forced upon me, some say it is the church yet in large they had been key harmers, why in the Lord's eyes would that count as family? It couldn't be blood for I know not any relatives of that nature, so whom?
I suppose it's those who come into your life and stay. Through ups and downs you for them and they for you. They love beyond bounds as you do them and in the center is the strongest familial bond being the Lord Jesus Christ drawing your hearts to Him and each other.
That's what I am choosing to see as family!
What say you?